


Losing My Religion(Or, Finding a New One)

by dunshiine



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Blue Haired Josh Dun, Bottom Josh, Childhood Friends, Christianity, Church Sex, Fighting, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Lots of kissing, Love, M/M, Making Out, One Shot, Religion, Religious Conflict, Self-Acceptance, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Smut, Summer Camp, Teenage Josh Dun, Teenage Tyler Joseph, Top Tyler, Touch-Starved, Underage Sex, Wrestling, sexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:36:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dunshiine/pseuds/dunshiine
Summary: Summer camp is usually a place of self discovery for all kids, but at his devoutly religious Bible camp Tyler's particular brand of self discovery was frowned upon to put it very lightly. It took years of struggling and losing his faith entirely for Tyler to get where he is today. Happy with himself, and happily anti-religion. His best friend at camp, Josh, is Tyler's opposite. Unable to accept himself, and unable to admit the feelings he's having. Tyler notices this more than ever in their last year of camp together and would love nothing more than to help his best friend.Or:Tyler is gay at a highly Christian Bible camp, Josh is struggling with his sexuality and they're both contending with mixed up feelings for each other.





	Losing My Religion(Or, Finding a New One)

It was at Bible camp that Tyler had first discovered that he wanted to look at boys the way he wanted to look at girls. It was at Bible camp that Tyler had first been told that Homosexuality was a sin. It was at Bible camp that Tyler had had his first crush on a boy. It was at Bible camp that he had first heard, “It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve,” and while that hadn’t been the leadership who had said that, it was a line that they had supported. It was at Bible camp that he had first kissed a boy. It was at Bible camp that they had first been told to love everyone, but that gay people would still be going to Hell. It was at Bible camp that he had first felt safe enough with a boy to get naked with him and to be touched by him. It was at Bible camp that he had first heard the word, “fag” shouted at him by some stupid guy who had just beaten him at basketball. 

Bible camp was where he had first began questioning his sexuality. He realized who he was here,  but he also  _ struggled _ with who he was here. He was twelve when first told himself that he wasn’t allowed to be gay. He was thirteen when he fought all those thoughts, desires, the longing to look at the other boys. He prayed and fought with himself, pushing back his wants. Ironically, Bible camp was where his faith faded. It was where he chose being himself over being a believer. He was fourteen when he lost faith in God and when he started to find faith in himself. 

Josh and Tyler had been friends since Josh had been nine and Tyler had been eight and they had spent their first summer at Zion Evangelical Bible Camp. They had bonded over microwave burritos from the canteen, and the video games they missed while they were at camp, but in a lot of aspects they were different. Josh like skateboarding, Tyler like basketball. Josh had lots of friends at school, Tyler was homeschooled. Josh was pretty good at every sport he tried, Tyler was amazing at basketball and couldn’t kick a soccer ball to save his life. Still through the differences, they remained close and each summer they spent an entire summer at camp, catching up on the missed nine months of each other’s lives. As they got older they remained best friends, but vastly different. Twin flames. Josh colored his mop of hair, got his nose pierced without his parents permission, listened to punk rock but wore a cross necklace and talked about saving himself for marriage. Tyler got buzzcuts in April every year, wore basketball shorts most of the time, wrote strange dark poetry that he never allowed anyone to read, and was the star player on his Christian highschool’s basketball team but no longer listened to the sermons his pastors gave. They were so different but it always just worked. 

Things had seemed different this summer though, not necessarily bad different but Tyler was acutely aware of the change in Josh. He  had seen the little looks Josh had thrown at him, they had always kind of been there but they had drastically increased this summer. He had noticed the way Josh’s eyes lingered over his body when they were in nothing but swim suits, he had wondered about the way Josh grabbed him for a little too long while they played water polo in the lake. Not that Tyler minded, he liked it. He had looked at Josh like that, struggled with those feelings just like he thought Josh was now. But he accepted that Josh was about a million times more repressed than Tyler. Josh would barely even laugh at sex jokes made by other people, he would sometimes smile, but it seemed like he did it because he didn’t know what else to do and that he’d go and try to pray it away a second later. Josh would never be able to act on any sort of Gay Feelings. 

Or that was what Tyler had thought. It changed when Josh asked Tyler to help him take a kayak out of the equipment shed. There had been a particularly bad speech about sin and temptation from Pastor Paul earlier at morning worship. It had been about the evils of sex and Tyler had counted four different times when Pastor Paul had talked about the worst of the sinners and how they would burn in hell unless the repented and accept the help from the church. The worst sinners, people like the adulterer, the pedophiles and the homosexuals. Tyler had tuned most of it out, like he had learned to do a long time ago with most of what was said at Bible camp. Once they were in the equipment shed, Tyler went to take out the nicest looking Kayak, the one in front of all the other, older ones and realized Josh had made no move to help him.

“I thought you wanted to kayak?” Tyler asked, turning to look at his best friend. 

“No,” Josh said quietly, his voice sounded...broken, there was no other word for it.  When Tyler looked over at him he realized that Josh’s eyes were rimmed with red, his hands were shaking, and he wasn’t meeting Tyler’s gaze.

“You okay, man?” Tyler asked. 

“I…” Josh started, Tyler watched his adam’s apple bobble. Josh blinked rapidly, took a deep breath, and tried to keep going, “I’m a sinner, Ty.” He said.

“Aren’t we...like...all sinners, Josh?” Tyler said even though could kind of guess at what Josh was talking about. He wouldn’t get his hopes up though, he had accepted that Josh was probably too repressed to ever talk about his feelings or what Tyler suspected his feelings were.

“Yea but...I can’t get better. I keep trying to do better but I can’t stop it.” Josh said, he was really fighting to keep his tears back now. He kept blinking and his eyes stayed downcast and Tyler watched him as he reached a hand up and rubbed at one of his eyes with a closed fist.  Unless Josh was about to reveal to him that he was a serial killer Tyler was certain that this was about all those times he had caught Josh looking at him. But as Josh tried not to cry Tyler went from feeling a glimmer of hope about it to being infuriated that the religion Josh felt so attached to would make him feel this terrible.

Tyler took a step towards Josh, and Josh took an instinctive step backwards. Tyler had to fight back rolling his eyes at Josh’s engrained “No Homo” reaction. “Josh,” he said quietly managing to close some distance between the two of them. “You don’t really believe the stuff that Pastor Paul or...anyone here says?” He asked. Josh finally met Tyler’s gaze, his brow furrowed, his eyes still red, and his lips red from chewing them to oblivion. Tyler couldn’t help himself, he stared for a moment at how nice he looked. 

“D-dont you?” Josh asked, Tyler held his gaze and took another step towards him. Josh took another small step back but then with a small thud his back hit the wall. He had nowhere else to go, so instead of moving away anymore he glanced around nervously.

“No!” Tyler said. “I haven’t believed that crap since I was fourteen,” He explained to Josh. “Because it is crap. Truly.” He told him. “If there is a God-” Josh audibly gasped when Tyler said that. Tyler again had to stop himself from rolling his eyes, he just gave Josh a hard look, “If there is a God,” he started again, “He doesn’t care about who you are, what you believe in, look like, or who you love...because...why would that matter?” He asked. 

“Because The Bible-” 

“Do you really think there’s some all powerful, all mighty God that created us in his likeness that cares...at all what a stupid book says? Don’t you think he’d have some bigger fish to fry?” Tyler couldn’t stomach the thought of Josh sitting here thinking he was going to hell because the Bible spewed some nasty stuff in the Old Testament. Josh was silent as he tried to take in what Tyler was saying, they had never talked about religion or Tyler’s lack thereof in all the years they had been best friends. In all the years of going to Zion together Josh had happily accepted Tyler’s fake religiousness and Tyler had been fine to keep him none-the-wiser to his questioning soul. 

“You don’t believe in the Bible?” Josh asked. 

“I don’t really know what I believe, except I believe wholeheartedly that gay people don’t need to be fixed, they aren’t going to hell, and God doesn’t hate us.” Tyler said, his voice emphatic. He was standing very close to Josh now, he hadn’t realized how close they were standing until he looked across the minimal space between them and into his eyes. 

“Us?” Josh asked, confused. Tyler wasn’t sure if Josh thought he had been including both of them in that statement, or if he was confused over what seemed like an admission from Tyler. There was tension between the two of them, it seemed to be building and Tyler was worried Josh was about to explode about being included in a conversation about homosexuality. Tyler was suddenly scared that Josh, in a fear-filled rage, would call Tyler a fag and leave him there feeling stupid and alone. Even though Josh wasn’t like that, even though Josh was gentle and kind, the homophobia that had been instilled in them since they were so young was an extremely powerful thing. The tension between them seemed to quiver as if it was a rubber band, pulled so tight it could snap at any second.

Tyler swallowed and was about to say something, his mouth was open and everything, when Josh leaned into him and pressed his lips hard into Tyler’s mouth. Tyler was so shocked that he almost jerked back but before he did he realized what was going on and closed his lips against Josh’s to kiss him back. The rubber band of tension had snapped, but not in the way Tyler had expected. It snapped in a way that sent them clutching at each other. Josh’s hands grabbed at Tyler’s shirt, balling it up in his fist.  Tyler’s hands had found their way into Josh’s blue hair. 

Tyler had made out in this equipment shed before, lots of people had. It was kind of the hook up spot at camp but none of the other times he had been there had felt like this. Josh had maybe kissed someone one other time before this, but this was the first time he was really letting himself run away with his feelings. Tyler was the one who deepened Josh’s desperate kiss, opening his lips and pressing his tongue in towards Josh’s mouth. Josh sucked in a breath through his nose, surprise coloring the nervous way his own tongue fluttered out to meet Tyler’s. Tyler gripped the back of Josh’s hair, their bodies pressed tight up against each other, thoughts of kayaking completely forgotten. 

Tyler pulled back just enough to kiss Josh’s cheek, and then his jaw.  He nuzzled in the crook of his neck and kissed him there, his mouth opening and tasting Josh’s skin. Josh sighed in response to the feeling of Tyler’s lips on his skin and his hands moved up Tyler’s back to run over his short hair. When Tyler came back up both of their breathing was heavy. Josh was looking at him in this desperate way, as if Tyler was his savior with all the answers. Josh was in need of affection the way a starving man was in need of bread. Tyler reached out and cupped Josh’s face in his hands, cradling his best friends face. Tyler couldn’t calm down or keep his hopes down anymore, his heart was racing and swelling at the same time. Josh. This was his Josh. The Josh he had longed for and thought about in all of his dark times. He was finally accepting himself and looking to Tyler for love, for help, for everything Josh needed. 

“I’ve felt so desperate for you,” Tyler said breathlessly, echoing the emotions he had seen played out over Josh’s face. He leaned in towards Josh and his excited lips caught Josh’s still tentative ones. He wanted to press kisses all over his face and calm him with gentle love and fluttering, soft touches. As they kissed Tyler’s hand dropped from Josh’s cheek to his  side, running softly up and down his ribcage, stroking him over his shirt, longing for more. Everything could be at peace like this, Tyler could live with never coming out to anyone else as long as Josh accepted him, as long as he had these moments with Josh, this fulfillment. Right as that elated thought crossed his head he tucked his hand under Josh’s shirt, just to graze the skin along his stomach and Josh suddenly stiffened and shoved Tyler back.

The tension Tyler had felt earlier was back, but the plucking at the taut rubber band didn’t feel good anymore. Josh was stepping away from him shaking his head,

“No...no...this isn’t what I want. This isn’t who I am!” He said, staring at him. 

“Josh-” Tyler tried to step towards him again, reaching out to grab ahold of his hand, but Josh knocked it away,

“Don’t touch me! Th-this can be who you are Ty, but I...I’m not gay! I’m not _ like  _ you.” The words, while not as harsh as some of the things Tyler had heard before, cut him worse than anything else. It was the inflection, the disgust at the prospect of being gay, of being like Tyler that hurt more than anything else. 

“But-” Tyler broke off as he realized his voice was strained, “But, Josh...you said...you were kissing-”

“You kissed me! I didn’t...I couldn’t...I didn’t want that!” Josh insisted. Tyler’s mouth fell open and he could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. Had Josh really not wanted it? Had Tyler just tricked himself into thinking Josh wanted him? No...no...hadn’t Josh kissed him? Tyler was starting to question everything that he thought was going on between them. 

“I…I thought-”

“Just...stay away from me.” Josh turned quickly and rushed out of the shed, leaving Tyler standing there, trying gather himself enough to leave. Would Josh go and tell someone? Was he about to be outed to everyone at camp? Was he going to be kicked out of camp? Would they call his parents? All of this rushed around his head all while  he felt like he had been punched in the gut. He felt completely shattered, it was like he had been given all the tools to make himself happy, to change his life, and then they had been ripped away from him in a manner of seconds. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there for but it was long enough for him to make sure he wasn’t going to start crying. He didn’t know what was going to happen once he left, but he wished he could just die there instead of ever having to face Josh again. 

 

~

 

The next few days at camp were some of the worst Tyler had ever had and that was saying a lot. Nothing he had gone through compared to Josh not talking to him. Josh avoided looking at Tyler no matter how much Tyler stared at him, willing him to meet his gaze. He would leave a room if it was just Tyler in it, he didn’t sit with him at meals anymore, they didn’t do anything they usually did together. The rest of the summer would be a long and awful one if Tyler had just lost Josh for good. In a lot of ways he wanted to go home, to call his parents and tell them he was depressed and wanted to come home but then there was no hope of reconciliation between him and Josh, their friendship would just fizzle and end for good. No, Tyler couldn’t stomach that, not while there was still a shred of hope. He tried multiple times to start a conversation with Josh but he was shot down, they all went something like this,

“Hey Josh, do you wa-”

“No.” 

And then he’d walk away without talking to him. Josh spent time with the other guys in their bunk, while Tyler spent time with his one other close friend at camp, Jenna. Jenna was the only person who still came to camp that knew about Tyler’s sexuality. She had helped him through it and knew everything that had happened in the last few years. She had been there for him when he first met the guy who would introduce him to everything, she had supported him through his struggle with God, she had been a rock in rushing waters when he hated himself. She was the one that told him that he needed to accept himself and however he chose to do that was right, and she had been there to comfort him last year when it had been that boy’s last year at camp. Now she was here and listening about everything with Josh. 

“He’ll come around.” She said.

“I really don’t think he will, Jenna. You should have seen the way he looked at me…” Tyler shook his head before letting it fall into his hands. 

“He’s your best friend, you guys have been inseparable. He’ll start missing you.”  She told him, putting her hand on his back. Tyler wasn’t so sure she was right this time but she had never been wrong in the past. 

“I’ve ruined everything.” He mumbled. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She said.

“He didn’t want me to kiss him, he didn’t like it...thats bad...thats like assault.” He swallowed and tried to stave off the burning in his eyes, the tightness in his throat for what felt like the millionth time since that day in the equipment shed.  Jenna sighed, 

“You said you thought he kissed you first.” 

“I thought he did! But maybe I just convinced myself…”

“No, Ty. Come on, that’s silly.” She hopped up from where they were sitting on the dock by the deserted beach. The beach wasn’t open for swimming today because the sky was threatening rain and it was a little chilly but the dock had been a private place for them to talk. “I’m going to play capture the flag, you should come.” 

“I don’t feel like playing a game.”

“It’ll take your mind of things.” She said.

“I don’t wannnaaaaa,” he whined. Jenna rolled her eyes and reached down to grab his arm, 

“Yes you do! Come on, you’re good at capture the flag, lets go make sure we’re on the same team, up you go!” She pulled on his arm and slowly, lumberingly, Tyler unfurled his body and stood up.

“If I hate it, I’m blaming you.” He said poutily as they started to walk up the dock, back towards the field where the game was starting. 

“I would expect nothing less, Ty.” She said. 

When they got up to the field there were two sides forming. Red and blue. Counselors were organizing the chaos of the many age groups playing together. Red and blue bandanas and face paint signified the different teams. Jenna and Tyler joined the red team, Jenna folded the bandana up and tied it over her two french braids like a bow while Tyler tied it around his neck. They both wore red face paint stripes and were made captains of their team since they were two of the oldest. Tyler had to admit he was having fun goofing around with some of the younger kids, hanging out with Jenna and strategizing with the others around their age. Tyler had nearly forgotten about the issues with Josh until he looked across the field and saw Josh standing with a crew of guys from their bunk, getting blue face paint on. Of course. This was how his life liked to work, completely fucking over Tyler Joseph in every way it could. Josh was one of the captains of the blue team, wearing his bandana folded up and tied around his forehead, his blue bangs stupidly sticking out over it. He wondered if they had picked him as captain because of his hair. 

The counselors who were in charge of the game had the two sets of captains come and shake hands to start the game. Tyler walked up to Josh and held his hand out, staring hard at him, trying to will his best friend to look at him. If this had been a different world where the moment in the equipment shed hadn’t happened and the two of them had been put on opposing teams they would have been joking, hurling fake insults at each other, smack talking the other one and grinning at each other while they shook hands. Now, Josh pointedly looked away from Tyler and let go almost as soon as their hands touched for the shake. 

When Tyler turned back to his team, ready for the game to start, he was determined to beat Josh no matter what. The counselors shouted a signal for the game to start and everyone scattered. Tyler stayed back at their base where their flag was to protect it while a group of the younger kids attacked the other side to distract the blue team and freak them out. Their fastest runners would run at the blue team’s base and then scurry away without getting tagged. The teenagers under Tyler and Jenna’s command kept bringing back blue team players to their jail and it was looking like it was going well for them but Tyler wasn’t at the front line and needed to go check it out. He left the flag guarded by four twelve year olds  with Jenna nearby and went to the front line, watching the youngest among them dancing over the line and jumping back quickly so they didn’t get tagged by the waiting blue team. 

Tyler scanned the area on the other side of the line, finding their base and their jail. Six of the red team were in jail, waiting for assistance but he couldn’t help them right now, there were too many blue players surrounding them. There was a shout and his eyes were pulled back and he watched, essentially helplessly, as Josh sped across the blue side of the field and single handedly took out three young red players. He was fast and he was good. Tyler was distracted as Josh laughed, sending the kids to jail. It was okay, the blue team was still down way more players than the red team. Josh seemed aware of this though, his eyes kept glancing from Tyler towards the jail and Tyler had an idea of what was going to happen. 

Tyler told one of the kids at the front line to go back to the prisoners and gather people to help watch them. Tyler watched as Josh went back to his base and  talked with some of their older players. Tyler half watched Josh and half watched the front line. He didn’t want to let Josh over the line, he didn’t want him to get any sort of victory and he was determined to stop him but he was sure there was a plan in action. Before Tyler could call for Jenna or come up with a solution to the impending issue, a whole crew of blue kids ran across the line towards the flag. 

“Shit!” Tyler said, he glanced once more at Josh, who was standing a ways off halfway between the blue base and the dividing line, before speed after the blue kids who were making an attack on the red flag. The red team picked them off, tagging them and sending them straight to jail. There were enough of the blue players for it to be an actual threat so Tyler was distracted and just as he had feared, Josh used the distraction. It was already too late when Tyler realized Josh was running through their side, dodging the younger kids trying to tag him. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” Tyler turned immediately and sped off for Josh. Josh glanced back at him but just picked up the pace and Tyler couldn’t get there in time.  Tyler got to the the red jail just in time to see Josh touching hands with the last of the kids who had been in jail. Even the kids who had just been sent to jail during the blue teams distraction ambush were set free, and had a free pass to walk back to their base. Josh was still fair game though, so Tyler didn’t pause, he ran at Josh, determined to tag him. Josh dodged him and ran as fast as he could back towards his side, following behind the large group of blue team that had a free pass to walk back to their side. Josh had to dodge Tyler now but Josh was faster and he leapt over the line and Tyler stopped abruptly and stared at him, furious that Josh had managed that. Josh smirked, but still refused to actually look Tyler in the eye. Josh turned back to his team to regroup. Suddenly the red team was at a huge disadvantage. While the blue team had made their play to set everyone free, the red team had tried to cross the line to get the flag and been picked off by the blue team that had been left behind and now were in jail. 

The game moved on and Tyler could barely keep his eyes off Josh, he ran down red kid after red kid that crossed the line and more and more people were getting sent to jail. At least half their forces were in jail now and it was looking grim for the red team as Tyler and Jenna stood by the front lines and stopped attack after attack on the flag.  Jenna was insanely fast and could dodge anything so she went on the mission to free all the kids in jail, she managed to get everyone out before being tagged by Josh and sent to jail herself, but now at least she was there alone and Tyler had his team back. Now was the time to get the flag. He sent a group to infiltrate quietly on one side, while a larger group would go over the line right in the middle to distract and Tyler would sneak in at the end for the flag. They waited until the blue teams numbers were down a little more an enacted the plan. Tyler waited a beat, for Josh and the other older players to be distracted and slipped over the line, starting to run towards the flag. 

He was nearly there when Josh noticed and ran at him. Tyler reached the flag before Josh got there and grabbed it, he still had to make it back over the line  he turned and ran as fast as he could, all he could focus on was how badly he wanted to beat Josh at this. It was all the pent up hurt and anger over the last few days and Tyler just wanted to win, he wanted to prove he was okay. He could hear Josh behind him, breathing hard, feet slapping the ground. Tyler thought he just might make it there but suddenly something barreled into him and he was thrown to the ground so hard all the wind was knocked out of him. Josh had knocked him over. Furious that Josh had disregarded the rules of a game, that it was just supposed to be a tag, and in pain, Tyler shoved him hard. Josh grabbed at the flag from Tyler, struggling to get it out of his fist but Tyler wouldn’t let it go. They fought in the dirt, Josh trying to rip the flag out of Tyler’s grip while Tyler tried to shove Josh back, pushing on his head, his hand covering Josh’s face. Josh was on top of him, his knee pinning one of Tyler’s legs.

“Get...off!” Tyler grunted but Josh didn’t even answer. Tyler wriggled and tried to shove Josh while Josh tried to break Tyler’s grasp on the flag. 

Grunts and curses flew between the two of them while they scuffled, locked around the flag, trying to rip it away from each other. Mostly still, there was an occasional burst of movement as someone adjusted and the other tried to tear the flag away. 

“Fu-stop!” 

“Let...you...little bitch.”

“Fuck,” Tyler threw his elbow up to try to get Josh to move back and Josh recoiled a little, making Tyler able to shove him back and roll on top of him now, they were still tangled up with the flag, doing anything they could to break the others grasp. Tyler scrambled to get a better hold of it now that he was on top, there was shouting from all around them, counselors running over. 

“Break it up! Come on guys!”

“Its just a game!”

“Get up!”

“Enough!” 

Before anyone could pull them apart Josh looked panicked with Tyler on top of him, and then furious and it was his turn to shout, actually managing to form one full sentence,

“Get off of me, you fag!” and then he kneed him hard between the legs. Tyler crumpled to the side off of him. Josh scrambled back, sitting away from Tyler who was lying on his side trying not to start crying. Josh stared at him, his mouth open, everyone was looking at them, it was quiet now except for Josh’s labored breathing and Tyler’s ragged gasps. The flag lay between them crumpled and covered in dirt. 

“Get up guys, walk it off. I think the game is over.” One of the counselors said. Tyler was starting to sit up and Josh’s breathing suddenly got heavier, his eyes started to fill up with tears and he suddenly scrambled back and stood up, staring at his best friend. Tyler turned to look at him, his brow furrowed, dirt smudged on his face, the red face paint  half sweated off. He glared at Josh, still trying to catch his breath but Josh didn’t meet his eye and without warning turned, pushing through the counselors and kids who had gathered to watch and ran off. Silence stretched on for a moment and then, all at once, everyone was asking how Tyler was, Jenna was at his side and counselors were trying to brush it off. Tyler wanted to be alone. Or maybe  he wanted to run down Josh and punch him. 

It was decided in Tyler’s brain. He was going home. As soon as things had settled down, as soon as people were in the mess hall eating dinner he would go to the camp office and ask to call his parents. He’d tell them anything he needed to to get them to come get him, he’d say he’d get a summer job to pay them back for the lost money, he’d give up basketball in the fall so they didn’t have to pay for it. He’d tell them he was depressed again, that he needed to see his therapist, that he just needed to get home. He couldn’t stomach being here anymore. He just couldn’t. 

When things did start to break up after the game Tyler didn’t know what to do. Jenna kept asking if he was okay and wanted to look at the scratch on his cheek from where his face had hit the ground. He waved her off and looked around, he wanted to know where Josh had gone for some reason. Everyone started to head to dinner and he told Jenna he’d meet her later. Tyler started to walk towards the office which was across camp from the mess hall. Camp was quiet, no one was out wandering around since everyone seemed to be at dinner. It actually seemed nice when no one else was around. Tyler was passing the chapel, a small wooden cabin that was barely used unless it was raining, when he noticed that the door was ajar. He didn’t know what it was but something made his feet turn and walk up the stone steps into the quiet, old building. 

At first the place appeared empty, the cross hanging above the alter, lonely and forlorn. The usual folding chairs that filled the place when they did rarely have worship there were gone. Tyler wondered for a moment why the door had been open, why he had felt like he needed to go in there and then he felt a presence to his right. He looked around, Josh was leaning against the back wall in the corner, his eyes looked red and like he had just been crying. Tyler felt the anger from before bubbling up in him, anger that came from pain and sadness, it burned through him and he wanted to shout so he did, even though Josh looked pitiful,

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” He asked angrily storming over to his best friend who looked broken at best. Josh’s hair was a mess, he still had dirt on him from the scuffle and his bandana was sitting on the ground from where he must have thrown it off and Tyler still thought he was wonderful and beautiful and a million other things. “I thought you were my best friend!” Tyler snarled. “I thought I could trust you to never think something terrible about me but...you obviously blame me for everything that happened and-- how could you do this to me?” He asked, his brow furrowed, his voice breaking over the words.

Josh just looked at him, he shook his head as if he was unsure of what to say. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. This only infuriated Tyler more. Why couldn’t Josh talk to him!? Why couldn’t he just apologize for calling him that horrible name, for physically hurting him, for claiming that Tyler had forced himself on him. The anger grew, the tension built and Tyler shoved Josh hard, Josh’s back hit the wall and Tyler balled up Josh’s shirt in his hands. 

“I didn’t think I would ever have to hear you say that horrible word, I could take it from anyone else, I could let it go from any other person but  _ you _ said it and not only that, you shouted it  _ at  _ me. ME! I’m your best friend, Josh! And you kissed ME in that equipment shed, I know you did!” Tyler stared at Josh, still keeping him shoved against the wall. He was afraid that Josh would hit him, or tell him he was a fag or any number of horrible things but what else did Tyler have to lose? He was already losing his best friend, and he was leaving camp as soon as possible so what did it matter? Josh’s face twisted at the last sentence from desperately sad, to as angry as Tyler had ever seen him.

“I did not!” Josh said, he reached up between Tyler’s arms and shoved them to the side, ripping Tyler’s hands off of his shirt. “I wouldn’t have kissed you! I’m not gay! Just because you’re weirdly in love with me doesn’t mean I want to...to kiss you!”

“Then why did you?  Why did you put your tongue in my mouth and let me kiss your neck and sigh and moan and get hard over kissing me!?” Tyler knew he was being horrible, he knew his words were so fiery that they would burn up what was left of their relationship. He wasn’t going to let Josh continue to spew the bullshit that Tyler had been the one to kiss Josh first. He wouldn’t let him keep the narrative that Tyler had forced himself on him. Josh’s brow furrowed and he grabbed Tyler’s shoulder and flipped them around so Tyler’s back was pressed against the wall now, held there by Josh.

“I didn’t! You did it to me! Stop it!” Josh shook Tyler hard so his back hit the wall again. “I didnt...I don’t...I’m…” Josh was losing steam,  he was staring at Tyler, his eyes moving over his face down towards his lips. “I’m not gay! I’m...I’m not GAY!” He said again, grabbing at Tyler’s shirt now and shoving him again. Josh stepped towards him, pinning Tyler even more. Tyler could see Josh’s resolve failing but the tension was still there, coiling around the two of them, choking them. “I cant...I can’t be gay.” he swallowed and his brow furrowed, staring at Tyler. “I’m not! I’m not…” He breathed, he was losing voice behind the words, they were so meaningless now. Josh’s chest was moving up and down quickly, his hands clutched at Tyler, his fingers digging in. Their bodies were pressed tight together and Tyler hated himself  but all he could think about was how good Josh’s body felt against his. Tyler’s brow furrowed and he looked him over, studying the redness in his cheeks and the way his breathing was coming in, he was sure Josh felt the tension too, he felt the coil that pulled them closer and closer together, ready to snap from the pressure on it. 

“Josh-”  Tyler started to say but he was silenced because once again Josh lurched forward and shoved his lips against Tyler’s. This time Tyler wasn’t so flustered by it, he leaned into him right away and kissed him back. He was always nervous that Josh would shove him away and tell him he was a creep or something. But he didn’t. He stayed there and they kissed, their bodies pressed together, Josh clutching at Tyler’s shirt. Tyler reached up and held the side of Josh’s face, letting his thumb run along Josh’s cheek. It was Josh who leaned farther into Tyler and opened his mouth this time, he could feel Josh’s tongue eager to feel Tyler’s again. Tyler opened his lips in response, feeling the electric current of excitement and nerves pass from Josh’s tongue into his. The feeling sent a spasm of want through Tyler’s stomach. They kissed until they were both desperate for air and had to pull apart to gulp at the air. Their foreheads stayed together, lips barely apart.

“I’m sorry,” Josh said, his voice wavering. Tyler shook his head, 

“It’s okay,”

“It’s not,” Josh whispered, “I was horrible...I treated you so badly, I’m just...scared. I shouldn’t be gay.” he whispered, “But I can’t help it, I think about you all the time.” He whispered. 

“Josh...there’s nothing wrong with being gay…” 

“My parents won’t think of it like that,” He mumbled, breaking away from him, staring over Tyler’s shoulder at nothing.  Tyler was terrified he was about to lose Josh again and he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. Tyler reached around and took Josh by the back of the neck. 

“They’ll always love you. And you don’t have to tell them until you’re ready. It’s okay. Whatever you chose to say or not say.” He said. “And you have me and even if we only ever have each other...that’s not so bad, is it?” Tyler asked, Josh’s eyes darted over towards Tyler’s face, studying the way he looked at him. Tyler leaned into him again and kissed him again, Josh kissed him back and then nodded, pulling away, his bottom lip glistening wet.

“No, it’s not so bad.” Josh agreed quietly. They kissed again, their tongues immediately in each others mouths, hands groping at whatever part they could reach. The chapel was silent and lonely far away from the hubbub of the rest of camp but the sounds of them kissing and finally getting lost in each other filled up the space. There was a spark of possibility in the air as Josh’s hands moved over Tyler’s chest, feeling the softness of his body under his shirt and Tyler kissed down onto Josh’s neck. Their breathing was hard as Tyler gave Josh his first hickey, tugging the collar of his t-shirt down so he could suck at the part of his skin that was between his neck and his shoulder. Josh let out a strangled little moan. The touch was so good and Josh was so in need of it, in need of the affection and the gentle love. His hands grabbed at Tyler’s hips. 

“Have you done this a lot?” Josh asked quietly as Tyler pulled back from his skin. 

“A few times,” Tyler said. “Mostly here at camp...last year.” He said.

“With who?” Josh asked, seeming confused. 

“Brendon,” Tyler answered. Josh seemed completely thrown off, Brendon had been their close friend at camp until he graduated out last year and hadn’t come back to do counseling like they thought he might. 

“Brendons gay?” Josh breathed. 

“He’s bi,” Tyler said. Josh nodded, quiet while he was thinking. Tyler leaned in to kiss Josh but Josh pulled back a little. Tyler nervously stopped and waited for Josh to say something,

“I’ve never done anything, not even with a girl. I mean, I’ve kissed someone but…” he shook his head, swallowing as if he hadn’t wanted to admit it and it had come out of his mouth unbidden. 

“That’s okay, Josh...if you don’t want to do anything else I underst-”

“No! I want...I’m saying I want to do more, but I doubt I’ll be good.” He looked into Tyler’s eyes. “But I really want it, its all I can focus on...I can’t stop thinking about  _ needing _ it.” His voice was tense, on edge and Tyler’s eyes moved down his body towards his jeans. He could see that Josh was really hard, the bulge in his pants extremely obvious. It made sense that Josh sounded so desperate and needy. He smiled, 

“I can help,” He said quietly, “But if you’re nervous or you don’t want to, we can stop.” He assured him.

“Shut up, Ty.” Josh said. “Shut up, I want more. Please.” He said. Tyler was shocked at Josh’s willingness to admit that. He must have really wanted it to admit that, to tell Tyler how bad he wanted to be touched, here in a chapel where there was a giant cross hanging on the back wall less than fifty feet away. Tyler looked into Josh’s eyes and nodded, he reached out and started to fiddle with the buckle of Josh’s belt, pulling it undone quickly. Josh reached down and tried to help Tyler, becoming more of a hindrance than anything else to the point where Tyler batted his hands away. 

“I got it, Josh.” He said. Tyler stepped forward away from the wall and turned so Josh could lean against the wall, when he did Josh let his head drop back against it. Tyler finally managed to get Josh’s pants all the way undone and he started to trace the line where his underwear met his skin. He could feel the course pubic hair under his fingers and he could hear Josh’s breath coming in in gasps. Josh pressed his hips up towards Tyler’s hand. Tyler leaned in towards him and kissed his lips softly, opening his mouth, languidly pushing his tongue into his best friends mouth. Feeling him respond with enthusiasm spurred him onward so he pushed his hand down into Josh’s pants. Josh gasped into Tyler’s mouth letting out a breath that sounded close to a moan. Tyler kissed him to silence again while his hand found the base of Josh’s cock. He squeezed it, just giving a taste before he ran his fingers along the length, wanting to feel the whole thing. Josh shuddered. 

Tyler pulled back from his lips to look at Josh. Josh’s mouth fell open, his cheeks were bright red flushed with how turned on his was. “Oh...G-god!” he choked as Tyler rubbed him up and down, his hand tightening on him. “Tyler...oh, that feels so good.” Josh’s eyes fluttered shut as Tyler worked his hand up and down. Tyler could feel his own erection pressing hard into his shorts, Josh felt so good,  Tyler longed to see his cock and watch him cum and fuck him and a million other things. Tyler’s need was becoming too much to hold back and he wanted to see Josh’s cock before he came and by the sounds Josh was making it seemed like he would cum at any second.

“Josh, can I suck you off?” Tyler asked, his voice trembling too. Josh grunted as Tyler’s hand squeezed and moved up and down. He couldn’t answer, he was lost in his own pleasure so  Tyler stopped moving his hand, took it out of Josh’s pants entirely. Josh groaned even louder in protest. “Can I suck you off?” Tyler asked again. Josh nodded vigorously, his desperate eyes catching Tyler’s for a second. 

Tyler immediately moved to his knees while Josh shoved his pants down, trying to pull himself out as quickly as he could. Tyler was suddenly faced with his best friends, rock hard cock and it made him want to grab his own dick and touch himself while just staring at it. But Josh was in need of attention so he took it in his hand, reveling in how hard it was and how much precum was dripping down the head. Tyler leaned into him and licked the tip once, it made Josh actually spasm with excitement. Tyler started to suck on the tip, his mouth wrapped around it while his tongue washed over it, tasting his precum. Josh gasped and grabbed at Tyler’s hair, pulling on it, willing him to take more. “Oh fuck...oh fuck…” Josh moaned, Tyler had barely ever heard Josh swear. 

Tyler started to take more of him in his mouth, moving his head down on it, his tongue still swirling around the tip. He tried to go slow, knowing Josh wouldn’t be able to last long. While he held the base of Josh’s cock in one hand and bobbed his head up and down on his cock his other hand moved up Josh’s hip, around towards his ass. All the times he had looked at Josh in tight skinny jeans, or in his swim trunks and his eyes had been drawn right to his ass made  it impossible not to want to grab it now. He reached around and his hand moved over his bare ass cheek. Josh tensed at that but it seemed in a good way because he clutched harder at Tyler’s hair. “Ohhhh Tyler….” Josh moaned and that sound made Tyler throb in his shorts. Tyler squeezed Josh’s ass and pulled at his cheek, spreading it for a second before letting it go. Josh whimpered,

“Tyler...oh...I wanna cum,” He moaned. Tyler’s took him deeper now, farther back into his throat and squeezed him with the hand around his cock, licking the length but Josh was tugging back on Tyler’s hair. “Oh...no...wait...wait! Tyler! Wai- oh god! I want you to fuck me!” 

Tyler suddenly pulled off of Josh’s cock with a wet  _ pop,  _ and stared up at him. 

“What?” He asked. Josh even seemed shocked by his own words, like he hadn’t meant to say them. 

“I...I don’t know...I just, I need to be that close to you, Tyler. I’ve...thought about it so much, just wondering what it would feel it and to be...close with you.” He said, “and now..I just know I need it.” He whispered. Tyler stood up quickly and stepped close to Josh,

“I...Josh it’s not easy to just...take it in the ass.” Tyler said with a laugh, looking into his eyes. “You can do it to me first, that’s okay with me. I don’t need to do it to you, it could hurt you.” Tyler said even though the idea of getting to fuck Josh was making him ache. 

“No!” Josh said, “no, I want you to f-fuck me, Tyler. Please.” He said. Tyler swallowed nervously, he had only done this once before, he had fantasized about it tons since then but only really done it once. “Okay...but we’ll have to warm you up a little.” Tyler agreed. 

“Y-yes. Anything. Yes.” Josh said. Tyler couldn’t believe how much he desperately needed it, he was practically begging to be fucked in the ass in the middle of a chapel. Jesus. If they hadn’t been going to hell before this, they sure were now. Josh got down onto his knees now and Tyler followed suit, watching Josh move onto all fours, arching his back obscenely. Tyler lost his breath for a second watching the way he tilted his hips back. 

“Oh fuck,” Tyler breathed.

“What? Is this not...not right?” Josh asked, looking over at him. 

“N-No..this is right I just...I didn’t think you’d know exactly what to do.” He explained.

“Like I said, I’ve thought about this a lot...oh god, I’m horrible.” Josh said, his voice shaking. Tyler rubbed his back gently, trying to comfort him even though he was about to put his fingers into his ass.

“You aren’t horrible, its okay, Josh. Trust me, this doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.” He said, Josh let out a breath and nodded.  “You’re my favorite person.” Tyler added. Tyler looked down at Josh’s face which was close to the ground but he could see the smile there,

“Can you get to fucking me so I’ll stop thinking?” Josh asked through the smile. Tyler nodded,

“Right, yeah.” He moved to behind Josh and the view sent him reeling again, his cock was nearly bursting the seams on his shorts. Tyler reached out and pulled Josh’s jeans farther down his legs so he could spread his knees a little better. “Tell me if you need me to stop at all, okay?” Tyler asked, trying to decide the best way to go about this. Tyler stuck his pointer finger into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, pressing it farther back into his throat to make sure it was nice and wet. This would have been better if they had been prepared, but lube wasn’t a luxury either of them had. Once his finger was coated in his own saliva he leaned over Josh and gave his ass a good long lick. 

“Jesus christ,” Josh said, tensing up. 

“Don’t tense up,” Tyler warned pulling back and replacing his tongue with his finger. He slowly circled around the tight hole, trying to get Josh to loosen up a little. Josh’s breathing had gotten harder just at the feeling of the finger rubbing over his sensitive ass. Tyler watched as his shoulders relaxed and he leaned farther into the floor, pressing his hips back. 

“Tyler...oh fuck...please.” he gasped. Tyler started to press the finger in, with all the spit and the gentle rubbing and relaxing he had done Josh started to take it surprisingly easily. He even rocked his hips back towards him. Tyler pressed it in even farther, watching Josh’s reaction as he took the whole finger, stopping at last knuckle. 

“Good, Josh. Good...keep relaxed.” Tyler said quietly.

“Oh...it feels...so good. Tyler...more, please.” He moaned.

“More, already?” Tyler asked, sounding pleased. “I haven’t even had a chance to fuck you with this finger yet…” he mused, immediately turning to dirty talk when he heard the need in Josh’s voice. He started to move his finger in and out, watching his finger come out and then slowly disappear into Josh again. Tyler was going to go crazy soon if he didn’t get some friction on his own cock. Josh started to let out low moans of excitement as Tyler moved his finger back and forth, easily fucking him with the one finger.

“Tyler...more..please.” Josh whined desperately. Tyler glanced around, worried that Josh’s voice would attract anyone walking by to see what was happening in the chapel. Tyler pulled his finger all the way out of him and put that finger and his middle finger into his mouth sucking them again. He reveled for a moment in the way it tasted, fuck, he even tasted delicious. He made a mental note to spend more time licking Josh’s ass when they had more time and maybe more privacy. When he was sure the fingers were as lubricated as they could be he went back to slowly pushing them in. Josh gasped at that, hard, and let out a little whine, maybe of pain. Tyler watched, his mouth going dry at the sight of his fingers stretching Josh’s tight hole open. “Oh fuck,” Tyler breathed as he moved his two fingers into Josh deeper. Josh gasped and pressed his hips back, wanting to take more and more. Tyler wasn’t sure it’d be a good idea to try and put his cock into Josh after just two fingers but by the time Tyler was finger fucking Josh with two fingers, Josh was begging for it.

“Please, Tyler, fuck me. Please fuck me, I need it. Please.” 

“Josh, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You can go slow, please...please I need this. I need it. Please.” He whined, pressing his hips back against Tyler’s hand. Tyler swallowed and knew he had no power not to obey Josh’s requests. He slowly tugged his fingers out of Josh’s ass and sloppily unbuttoned his shorts, pulling them down enough to get himself out of his pants. He stuck his fingers into his out mouth again, rubbing them over the shaft and then licking his palm to try and coat his cock as best he could. He leaned down and gave Josh’s hole a lick again, trying to get it as wet as possible, pressing his tongue in a little. Then he lined himself up, holding himself at the base of his cock and slowly started to push himself in. It was a slow process of pushing a little in, letting Josh get used to it and then pushing in a little more but Josh was a whiny mess throughout the whole thing. 

“Tyler, ohhhh God, yes. Oh, oh!” he would gasp and press his hips back making it hard for Tyler to go slowly. Tyler pressed himself forward, trying to handle how good it felt to be this close with him to feel Josh’s hot little ass tight around his cock. 

“Oh fuck, Josh...you feel...oh god.” He pressed himself forward again, and Josh let out a loud moan. He was moaning incoherently by now, pressing himself back up against Tyler and begging for more while also gasping in pain as Tyler pushed himself in deeper and deeper. After what felt like forever and also no amount of time at the same time Tyler was all the way in Josh and Josh was pressing himself back, ready for Tyler to start fucking him. Josh turned his head to look up at Tyler over his shoulder. Tyler leaned over his back and kissed the side of Josh’s head as he pressed into him again. 

Tyler started to find a rhythm, slowly and steadily building, pressing himself all the way into Josh and then pulled back only to be met with Josh pressing his hips back towards him. Tyler started to pump his hips, keeping the pace fairly gentle. It was heaven. This was what heaven was, feeling so close to Josh, feeling the building pleasure between them. 

“Ohhhh God, Tyler, yes...more....” Josh whined and Tyler was in awe of how well Josh could handle this. Tyler looked down at his cock moving in and out of Josh’s ass, and the sight made his stomach clench and his toes curl. He kept pumping, he must have been doing something right for Josh because Josh was moaning, whining and pushing his ass back towards him,

“Tyler...ohhh Tyler...thats...yes. Please, yes.” He gasped. “So close...Tyler...I’m so...oh please touch me, please.” He begged. Tyler obliged immediately, reaching around and gripping Josh’s cock which was rock hard and leaking pre-cum out of the tip. Tyler swiped his finger over the tip and started to rub him in time with his own thrusts.

“Oh, Josh...I’m close too. Oh God,” Tyler said, his breathing becoming completely uneven as he tried to desperately rub Josh enough to get him to cum. “If you cum, I’ll cum.” He mumbled, leaning over Josh’s back and speaking into his skin. “I’ll...oh god.”

“Yes, Tyler... Oh my god, I love you. I fucking...oh, I love you.” Josh moaned, he was gasping and as Tyler gave his cock another tight squeeze he came hard, spilling it into Tyler’s hand, over his stomach and dripping onto the floor. As soon as Josh started speaking and coming Tyler’s own release built and overflowed in a shocking orgasm. Tyler spasmed in Josh and groaned, leaning over his back. 

There was a moment of stillness while Tyler tried to recover and still held Josh’s now softening cock in his hand. Then Josh started to laugh, almost hysterically. He sounded almost manic as the laughter built in his chest, 

“I just came on a chapel floor with a cock in my ass.” He laughed, “I’m so gay,” He said, shaking his head and falling to the side so he was lying on his back on the floor laughing. Tyler looked at him, nervous that he was upset or something but he just kept laughing so Tyler started to giggle too. He was sitting up on his knees, his pants still around his thighs. Tyler tugged up his pants before Josh reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him down next to him. They both stared at the ceiling laughing. When the laughing died, Josh hitched his own pants back up and then rolled onto his side and kissed Tyler’s cheek.

“Did you mean it?” Tyler asked quietly after a moment.

“Mean what?” Josh asked.

“You said you loved me, when you were coming.” He said quietly. “Its okay if you didn’t...but I didn’t say anything back to you then but I do...I love you.” he said.

“I meant it.” Josh said. He settled back next to Tyler on his back and they both stared up at the cross on the back wall of the chapel. For the longest time Tyler had thought his sexuality and his religion couldn’t coexist. He would have to lose his faith to be who he was, he would have to walk away from God so that he could live his life the way he wanted to but as he lay on the floor of the chapel, wrapped close to the person who meant more to him than anything else in the world he realized that maybe the two could co-exist. Maybe God was all around them the way he had been told his whole life, but not in the scary judgemental way that had been touted to him. God was in the people who surrounded your world with light and love. God was the gentle goodness of a lover. God was the lightness of your heart when you accepted who you are. And whatever God was, they loved everyone on the earth and who you decided to kiss or love or sleep with or marry didn’t matter to them. As Josh leaned leaned his head into Tyler’s chest he knew he’d be able to find a place in this religion, probably not at camp, probably not at the church he grew up at, but somewhere he’d feel accepted and he would worship the God he believed in.

**Author's Note:**

> When I was originally writing this, I thought I was going to make it purely smut buuut apparently I find that impossible.  
> Also, I'm sorry for the long winded game scene, it was like...too fun to write.  
> ALSO, I'm REALLY sorry if the beginning is weird and choppy, I struggled with it.  
> Hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
